It always falls back on you

Resently my best friend has been going thru some tough times love wise & she's been spiraling out & confused, not to mention other people have been using this to there advantage. She apperently no longer trust anyone & never wants a relationship with another person. Alot of caring people have been offering her suppport & relationships, but she has rejected them & I've advised her to avoid them. Others have went so far as to tell to ignore me because I want her for myself<-(already in a relationship of three years)... but they miss the point. Like i said she is my best friend but i gave her space & allowed to make own choices, the world quickly swallowed her up & spat her back out & I regret my own choice but I've learned something knew about her. This is the fact she dosn't love herself at all. While others think their love is the cure for her pain but I say it won't the fact if she dosn't love herself she shouldn't be in a relationship. Truth: love hurts, your opening yourself up to another person in hopes they will imbrace you back, in the end if they hurt you reject you or cause any other type of pain towards you & you can't even depend on yourself what will be left you'll never heal. Some people run into another relationship looking to be healed while other start to lash out at love one or future lovers. While others still crumble in despair but all soon bear emotional scars, If they really want to heal they needto first turn to themselves & stop deliking what they see. Some people are to hard on themselves while other simply need to fix their one or two problems, but as long aas they don't love themselves they'll never peace or happiness.

When it's all over (~.~)

So lately I've reviewed all my friends current status lifewise, & I see them all slowly slipping
. I've already stop trying to help them but i relize when all is said & done I'll miss them.
One of my best's friend i had lost touch with is in colledge now but he has become a drunk.
A friend of mine had resently allowed people to control her life another claims to want to get out, but let's his pride get in the way of his goals over the most pety of things but never for things that matter. Another's inablitiy to come to terms with things has forced him to make constant unnessicery adjustments everthing & everyone around him, while yet another hates his own being so much to the point he dose everthing in his power to box his true self whether it's good or bad. I guess my fault lies in the good i can see in them, in the end beliving in what others don't belive in themselves amounts to nothing at all. Only thing left to do now is the painful waiting to watch them fall & in the end it's a shame the good in them will become wasted.

Reawoken (-.-)

A part of me was reawoken last night, & memories forcefully forgotten resurfaced. Only to remind me how much of a disturbed child I’ve become in these short 19 years of life. I guess the sad part is I have nothing too say for it. Have I really learned to simply accept it like nothing happened? I’ve begun question as what reason was I put here let only still here(for those who don’t know I have been suicidal in the pass) for that matter.
I’ve all ready come to terms with the fact that not allowed to leave any time soon. So why I still stuck with a clue as what I’m doing, it gets tiring watching people get devoured watching loved ones………………………..

"The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it."

But it can be renamed a curse for those who can’t control it, no can’t handle it. The curse to see five steps ahead good or bad unable to change it. To know someone or something you cared about will crumble away & there’s nothing you can do about it but watch. Even when others start to notice the demise of that significant other & assume that it wouldn’t be too hard of a fall. Even then to know that the fall will lead to destruction of that loved one on apocalyptic proportions. Then when it happens & others start to ask how this could have happened while you know perfectly well every detail on how & why, but knowing you couldn’t have changed anything. In the end it might explain why cynics act the way they do. Because in the end it might be how they have learned to cope, cause lets face it if you can’t cope with it you’ll just lose your sanity.

Shhh!

I'm not sure yet but i think my dad is on to me, he might find out i've converted to buddhism. My girlfriend didn't take it to well but my father would go oh your satan's right hand man on me. His first question most likely be why your converting to this "crap". Well for starters im tired of all this stupid fighing amongest religions. It's like if i don't join thier club you go to hell (WTF wait go to hell ok ok i join but what about everyone else? will they go to hell)
-yep unless we convert them to-
(ahhh waaa?)
(so all those people good or bad will go to hell if there not part of this club)
-yes-
(and god said this)
-yes-
(but what about god loving all his children)
-what about it-
(are you serious) <- its around this point i gave up on religion.
-yes serious about god-
(O....K... can i ask god which is the right club?)
-of course not you heretic what are you gay? , what you think you are a religious leader, talking to god.....*mumble mumble*-
(ok what can you tell about these others clubs)
-oh they're all going to HELL!!-
(why cant we all go to heaven?)
-BECAUSE THEY'RE GOING TO HELL! In the name of the Lord.-
(*blink* (0.0).) <- runs away sobbing.
Ok so now im no religous scholar but im pretty sure thats not what god really wants. I mean not if he really is the all loving god we think we know i'm just saying, religion seems to cause more bloodshed than save lives or souls for that matter. It seems to me people simply used religion as a way to openly judge people & in some cases force punishment on them as if they where god themselves. So i've come to the conclusion that until religion can be fixed, (and im not going into detail) if i had to choose a belife and or religion it would be buddhism. On the simple fact that it dose not take a religious conviction to be a good person, I should know. Hence should I find the
need for some guidance or enlightment ill turn to buddhism. It represent what i wish religion was more like.

The League O.E.F.

Today I joined the league of extraordinary fagots, ok before you ask no I am not gay. No I don’t gay bash or hate gay people. So why the bold first statement, it’s because apparently having a gay friend & not wishing him & all other’s like him death makes me a fagot. Now I don’t mind for the sake of my friend to be called a fagot, but what disturbs me is the fact people would go so far to say that in school of all places & so openly. Of course I would never put it pass people to do so, but to think he wasn’t even reprimanded for these insults. To top it off he’s claims that it’s his religious reason. What was even more saddening is the boy was African American & to think all that was done for black peoples rights, that a black person would want to stop another from the same rights that they had fought so hard for. I personally believe that people will destroy themselves in the end if they continue to hate each other because of their differences. Nothing harmful comes from people being gay so leave them be. If you want to aim your anger at someone aim it at all the pedophiles in the world or the bastard pimps who are pimping out underage children off Craig's list.

The Nature Fist

I’ve been self teaching myself martial arts for years now, but in nothing specific per say.
So after being inspired by a friend & lots of research I’ve decided to do nature or natural style. Called so because to train in this style you need to learn to be relaxed, as so your body can react to attacks & defense freely & one own inner energy. Guess ill keep ya posted on my progress.

The kindhearted & love

I’ve been giving this a lot of thought lately & decided for it to be my first blog.I often wondered why the kindhearted are always the first to suffer, the ones meant to be sacrificed. I believe it’s because love is a kind heart’s worse enemy. The worse thing that can happen to some one who cares about others is to be forced to watch them suffer, but worse still is to watch them harm their selves. For you see love it self is a poison the caring have no answer for. It keeps us in abusive relationships, allows others to take advantage of us, in some cases it ultimately leads to our end. A lesson I myself had to learn, in the end the only remedy might be the hardest thing to do. That’s to turn your back & walk away, because you can never love anyone more than they love themselves. What more can one do when we live in such times where your enemy will accept your help faster than a loved one would.